I feel as though I’ve begun dating while trans(™) in earnest. I’ve been on a few dates recently, and they’ve been good overall. We didn’t always have a real connection, but people have been kind and respectful.
An early piece I wrote mentioned how I wouldn’t date anyone who wouldn’t meet me in public or introduce me to their friends. These are still true. The fact that I’ve been meeting people, mostly men, in public, for the last few months feels pretty amazing.
I don’t think I’m “passing” as cis by any means, though I’ve had friends tell me that perhaps I should reconsider that assumption. Because of (what I believe to be) my visible trans – ness, I’m hoping this means that some of the taboo of straight men dating trans women is beginning to erode. *privilege check!* I am white, and tend to be going places with these men where one probably needs to be comfortably middle class to go. I understand that there are other trans women, specifically trans women of color, who are not nearly as insulated from the toxic masculinity which kills so many trans women.
Monday of last week, I was walking and holding hands with a man, in broad daylight. This feels crazy to say. He initiated the hand holding! Such a normal display of affection, and yet it felt extraordinary. We had a great evening, my first “Netflix and Chill” after having a nice dinner out. It was lovely. He was confident and sweet and I felt comfortable the whole time. (Confidence is a huge turn-on, fellas!) I hope to see him again.
I had another date not go quite as well… This guy… He showed up to our first date in need of a haircut and wearing a ratty polo shirt. He has children, so I understand this time and money are hopefully going mostly to them, but I would like to see SOME effort on the first date! He was… whiny. It was about ten minutes in before I realized it was going nowhere. I decided that he was like a bad combination of Jeff Foxworthy and Louis Black, but more whiny.
This is where things get challenging. I don’t want to be rude and run away right after dinner, but also, I DID WANT TO RUN AWAY. I didn’t. We took a walk around a park, so at least I got some exercise. I’m not the most bold about saying, “this was a disaster, thanks for meeting me, but I feel nothing for you.” So, I hugged him and even gave him a quick kiss before parting ways. I know, this was not what I should have done, but I was worried about an angry reaction. I sent him a message the next day saying in summary, “thank you for meeting, but I didn’t feel a spark.”
After that bad experience, I actually canceled a date I had scheduled for Saturday. In chatting online with the guy, I realized he was too young and was a bit too nervous, which was really turning me off. I sent him a polite cancelation message.
Look at me, breaking hearts. It doesn’t feel good, rejecting someone. I will not settle, however, and I’m going to work on not putting myself through bad experience just to be polite. Life is too short!
I find it interesting that I’ve primarily been dating men. I’m firmly pansexual, I’m attracted to many people, regardless of gender, but men have been more likely to express interest and pursue my affection. It seems likely that my feminine presentation plays a role in this, too. Outside of being trans, how can people tell that I’m a queer chick? I’ve read the think pieces on femme invisibility in queer communities, and I’ve experienced people expressing shock in the past when I identified as a lesbian. Fortunately, I’ve enjoyed dating these men lately, and there is a gal I know I have some reciprocal feelings for, if our schedules can ever match up.
It’s been exciting, getting back into the dating world, a little daunting as well, but I’m learning and moving forward!
FiercelyTrans 